Avoiding the Negative

Running effortlessly. Where everything falls into place. Your breath is perfectly timed to your foot fall. Your feet are softly touching the ground but have immense power to propel you forward with the lightest of touches. It’s a perfect moment in a runner’s day. That moment where everything is literally perfect. Seemingly effortless because it truly feels effortless.

 I had that feeling for a brief fleeting moment on Tuesday. Where I thought for a moment this is what the greats feel like. I am one of the greats. And then, my moment was shattered by a fellow classmate who snapped “JJ she said run to the yellow sign, not sprint.” Thankfully Regina spoke up and told me to do my thing.  

I honestly didn’t realize I was sprinting, to me I was just enjoying the feel and the moment and the energy of that fleetingly perfect moment. I was thinking about how this training session was going to make me a better runner. I was thinking about my footfall and how it was touching so softly, not that clodhopper like sound they make when I am tired and dragging. I was feeling the mechanics of my body and making those unconscious adjustments.

I will admit that I have been struggling with my reaction since Tuesday. In an instant, I had allowed someone’s negative, snarky really, comment to take away the awesome feeling that I was having. I was frustrated by her intrusion in my moment. Embarrassed that my hard work and effort were being belittled.

I appreciated Regina coming to my defense, but I spent the remaining time in class stuck in my head, and the thoughts of that morning still continue to pop in and out of thoughts. In an instant, I was left feeling like the odd person out. It is a lonely feeling, to feel as if you are the only one pushing and striving for something beyond the comfort zone. Reaching for something bigger than yourself. Reaching for something that just seems ever so slightly out of reach, but yet you know that if you keep going, keep pushing you will get it.

 I am not intimating that my fellow classmates are lazy or lack drive, we are all there at 6am when one could be sleeping in, but I feel that our goals, our DESIRES are different. In that difference is the basis for the snappy comment. The jab at me as a person. Me as an athlete. Me as a dreamer. Me as goal chaser.

 Andy Frisella talks about the concept of haters in one of his recent podcasts. It's such a common turn of phrase in modern lexicon that I must admit I was quick to use on my classmate. However, she wasn't a hater, she wasn't offering constructive criticism but she wasn't a hater. She just lacked understanding of who I am as a person.

And going beyond her lack of understanding of me as a person and taking myself out of the equation all together, the statement was more about her. She was stating something about something she is personally battling, something that was unsettling inside herself.

Though the larger philosophical part of me is trying to continue to hold that thought in my mind, it still bothers me that I allowed someone else’s negativity to impact my run. It is honestly something that I struggle with on a daily basis in my non-running life. Hopefully with time and practice, I will figure out how to discard/ignore those negative thoughts and vibes and just focus on that effortless feeling.

 

Why me? A pep talk to myself.

Why me?

 

It’s an understandable question; one that I took a few minutes to ponder while sitting in an all too familiar waiting room. The lab request form in my hand and my sleeve rolled up, waiting for the all too familiar battery of tests. Nearly two decades later, two decades, and the feelings of frustration, fear and anger seem to surface pretty easily.

 

I was beginning to think that finally my body, the organism that had been attacking me for a majority of my life, had finally given up its struggle and allowed me to declare victory. I run for fun, I roll through mud for fun, granted it’s under barbed wire with people yelling at me to go faster, I scale walls for fun. I’m a four time marathon finisher, five time half marathon finisher. I’m a Spartan!

 

December 30, 2013 found me sitting in an all too familiar waiting room, of an all too familiar lab. The décor may have changed but not really. It’s still sterile. Cold. Uncomfortable. The following day found me ringing in the New Year with a new diagnosis.

 

Hypothyroidism.

 

Seriously?! I’m a marathoner and a Spartan! Who currently is not allowed to marathon or Spartan.

 

My lab results revealed levels that were out of range by over 400%. A figure that didn't get there overnight, but the symptoms, looking back, that started about a year ago always had a logical reason; they seemed to fall in line with my training schedule. I merely chalked the fatigue up to training harder for my races combined with the fatigue that has plagued me since my bout of hyperthyroidism as a teen.  While I was "thrilled" (so to speak) to finally have a diagnosis and a name to put on what had becoming overwhelming fatigue (a phrase that doesn't properly explain the depth of my exhaustion), along with a host of other symptoms….I was disheartened when I realized that for the time being I am unable to train.

 

For the last few weeks I have been silently, longingly, looking at my social media feeds, watching everyone’s gym stories, their below freezing runs and their various accomplishments scroll by me. I don’t begrudge my fellow Spartans and other racers their gym time, I just wish I was able to take part.

 

It’s hard. It’s frustrating.

 

Why me? A question that has been rambling around for awhile. Until I get a response, somewhere deep in the back of my brain.

 

Why not me?

 

I am after all a marathoning Spartan. It’s not as if I haven’t been there, done this before. The symptoms and name might be different but the impact is the same. Besides, a quick Google search of athletes and hypothyroidism yields a list of Olympic athletes that I feel honored to be among. Perhaps this just means I have become such a beast at the gym that my body can’t handle ME.

 

I will admit that it’s not all sunshine and sprinkles’ raining down on a herd of unicorns, but it’s something that I can do. Do I want to do it, not especially. But I will.

 

Why me?

 

Because. I am a marathoner. I am a Spartan. I can do anything. And I will…..after I take a nap and my pill. Until then, I will continue to stare longingly at my friends who are training and preparing for races and competitions and remind myself, that I can do this, again.