Why me? A pep talk to myself.

Why me?

 

It’s an understandable question; one that I took a few minutes to ponder while sitting in an all too familiar waiting room. The lab request form in my hand and my sleeve rolled up, waiting for the all too familiar battery of tests. Nearly two decades later, two decades, and the feelings of frustration, fear and anger seem to surface pretty easily.

 

I was beginning to think that finally my body, the organism that had been attacking me for a majority of my life, had finally given up its struggle and allowed me to declare victory. I run for fun, I roll through mud for fun, granted it’s under barbed wire with people yelling at me to go faster, I scale walls for fun. I’m a four time marathon finisher, five time half marathon finisher. I’m a Spartan!

 

December 30, 2013 found me sitting in an all too familiar waiting room, of an all too familiar lab. The décor may have changed but not really. It’s still sterile. Cold. Uncomfortable. The following day found me ringing in the New Year with a new diagnosis.

 

Hypothyroidism.

 

Seriously?! I’m a marathoner and a Spartan! Who currently is not allowed to marathon or Spartan.

 

My lab results revealed levels that were out of range by over 400%. A figure that didn't get there overnight, but the symptoms, looking back, that started about a year ago always had a logical reason; they seemed to fall in line with my training schedule. I merely chalked the fatigue up to training harder for my races combined with the fatigue that has plagued me since my bout of hyperthyroidism as a teen.  While I was "thrilled" (so to speak) to finally have a diagnosis and a name to put on what had becoming overwhelming fatigue (a phrase that doesn't properly explain the depth of my exhaustion), along with a host of other symptoms….I was disheartened when I realized that for the time being I am unable to train.

 

For the last few weeks I have been silently, longingly, looking at my social media feeds, watching everyone’s gym stories, their below freezing runs and their various accomplishments scroll by me. I don’t begrudge my fellow Spartans and other racers their gym time, I just wish I was able to take part.

 

It’s hard. It’s frustrating.

 

Why me? A question that has been rambling around for awhile. Until I get a response, somewhere deep in the back of my brain.

 

Why not me?

 

I am after all a marathoning Spartan. It’s not as if I haven’t been there, done this before. The symptoms and name might be different but the impact is the same. Besides, a quick Google search of athletes and hypothyroidism yields a list of Olympic athletes that I feel honored to be among. Perhaps this just means I have become such a beast at the gym that my body can’t handle ME.

 

I will admit that it’s not all sunshine and sprinkles’ raining down on a herd of unicorns, but it’s something that I can do. Do I want to do it, not especially. But I will.

 

Why me?

 

Because. I am a marathoner. I am a Spartan. I can do anything. And I will…..after I take a nap and my pill. Until then, I will continue to stare longingly at my friends who are training and preparing for races and competitions and remind myself, that I can do this, again.

 

 

 

 

When-Thoughts on passion, shoulder sockets and music

                Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I spent a few hours at the Frederick Fight Club snapping pictures of my buddy Mischa as he trains for his bout in a couple weeks. I watched as Mischa sparred with a couple Junior Golden Glove winners. A truly awesome experience. The energy was indescribable, but inspiring was definitely thrown in the mix of feelings. Being in a room with a bunch of guys that are doing what they love with such awesome talent and desire. The time really caused me to reflect on what I’m doing to fulfill my passion of running (as well as fulfill my overall life’s passion). The end result of the afternoon left me with a feeling of wanting to do more. To step up my game as Mischa would say.

                I’ve already alluded to my boot camp days and times as my set “when” days. The in between days I fit my work outs in when my time allows. Typically I try and work out first thing in the morning so that my day starts out energized. Though as the weeks have passed I have found on the non boot camp days I am working out twice a day; once in the morning and then again in the evening after supper. As Mom is working up her strength to recover from stay in the hospital I am walking with her at the local mall for an hour each morning.

                As I’m typing this I am feeling like I wanted to go longer and harder this morning. I had definitely had moments during our arm work out that I thought my shoulders would surely fall out of their sockets and lay on the Astroturf covered pitch, to my credit I pushed myself with 15 pounds today up from 10. I’m still not completely discounting the chance that I may be doing more ab and arm work outs after the affects of the ice on my shoulders has worn off.

                I realized over the last few days that so much of my schedule is built around when I work out. When I need to eat. My goal of being in shape for my list of races and ultimately the marathon has driven me to change my lifestyle. Some might say it has taken over my life and perhaps they are correct in their assessment of my new found behavior. Part of it is excitement in finding something that just seems to suit me. Part of it is finding something new and challenging that seemed in the past as unattainable. Part of it is really to keep me from going completely insane while I search for a career that suits me as well as my new found passion. (Career focuses currently: Marines, FBI and law enforcement)

                I have a race every month except for July and September.  I was going to try and pack those “free” months but decided to allow myself some down time on those months to focus solely on training and perhaps some biking and camping adventures with friends.  September is the month prior to the marathon and knowing my ankles tendency to be cranky I want to focus those weeks entirely on the marathon. Besides, my two week sojourn to the beach will provide me with ample training opportunity…what better way to greet the day then a run along the beach as the sky turns from navy blue to sun kissed pink and orange.

                Now when I run I feel like I’m chasing that sunrise. I’m beginning to feel comfortable in my stride. I still need to work on my breathing and my speed. My days as a basketball and soccer player have programmed me to take off full speed ahead without any concern for the fact that my body will perhaps stop breathing sooner than I would like. Now my focus will be on slowing down and having a consistent pace. I’ve tried music of varying types but can’t seem to find anything that keeps my stride even, not too fast and not too slow. Eminem and P!nk are fabulous for my emotional state of mind but do little to keep me from tearing up the ground. My next attempt is classical music. I’ve been going through my CD’s pulling out the music from the days when I was striving to be a classically trained musician in hopes that something will match my stride and keep me on pace.

                I have one month until my first race. A 5K mud race sponsored by 368 Athletics and held at the Ceresville Mansion. It will be nice…close to home, short race that will allow me to quite literally get my feet wet. And there will be beer. Beer is always a good thing.